Keeping Things Inside

Lately, I've been keeping to myself a lot.

I have a lot on my mind, too many things to worry about and to think about. I guess it doesn't help that I'm a very private person and hardly ever open up to anyone about anything.

My mind is a mess lately, unorganized with too many things going on inside, but I guess I need to organize them. I need an outlet before I actually do break down (again).

I guess I need to begin back in April...

New Beginnings (April)

I suppose it began with my new job, not only in a completely new industry but also in a different field. Granted, communication and marketing are very similar, but there are many things about marketing that I know nothing about, just like somoene in marketing would not know many things about communication. I have learned a lot, have used a lot of skills that had remained dormant, and will continue to learn.

The second most daunting factor about this job was the corporate factor...huge corporate organization. I found out very quickly that at times, deadlines did not mean much when certain people very high up in the hierarchy wanted things done. It was always certain, that at my past position, even the CEO would have to wait if there was a higher priority project or a faster deadline coming up. We could at least speak to each other on a human level. Here, the hierarchy, though not clearly outlined, exists and is much more pronounced than any organization I've ever worked for, government included.

The demand for perfection is extreme at this organization...not only with the written word but also for graphics. Short deadlines and the demand for perfection just do not mix, and that's all I'll say about it on this topic.

Things have gotten better lately. I'm getting the hang of things, though I know there is more I could be doing. I hope to improve myself better everyday.

But I admit, despite my complaints about my previous employer, I miss everyone I worked with and the shared comraderie of helping each other out. I made a lot of good friends there, and still continue to care about everyone there.

Loss (June)

Lilian To, the former CEO of S.U.C.C.E.S.S. and my former boss (or at least one of them)

I have many fond memories of Lilian, some funny ones, and of course, some stressful ones (but of course she was my boss - at least one of them).

It was a shock to all of us who knew her, of her sudden passing. For myself, it was disbelief at first. It was easier for me, though, easier that I was no longer at head office, no longer with the agency; that I didn't have to walk into work the next day knowing she would not be showing up.

How difficult it must have been the first few weeks to drive in and see her empty parking spot, to have to walk past her empty office every day to go to the lunch room, to never hear her habitual 5 to 10 minute long messages in voice mails, to hear her familiar cellphone ring, to smell her perfume in the elevator. It was easier for me that I did not have to write the media releases, to help coordinate the special events, and yet, a part of me wished I was there to help, which is, I suppose, why I visited the office several times that week.

It was difficult enough to walk back into the building and to visit everyone in such a somber mood, to see friends and old colleagues start to cry as I spoke with them. One of my friends helped to clean up her office. I don't think I would have been able to do that. Perhaps it would have been therapeutic in its own way, kind of a final goodbye, but I would have been too distraught - too many memories.

Her passing affected me greatly, not only as a member of the community, but on a much more personal level. While many knew her to have been a leader in the Chinese community, she was my boss, a friend, a family member. I spent many hours working with her, most of them probably overtime. She was a very caring person and was always troubled by the limited services that we, and anyone else could provide.

New Beginnings continued

April, was also a time of new beginnigs, for both me and R. Wonderfully engaged, we were thinking of getting married next year and purchasing a house next year, giving us more time to save.

But of course things change and have changed.

I don't want to write too much about these topics but wedding stress, house stress, people pulling in different directions, not speaking directly to each other....changing their minds so that previous days decisions are thrown out the door etc.

Thanks for the stress people. It's not like I have vendors to call or anything, or a house to worry about now.

yeah, at first, no one cared about any details...said we could do what we wanted. Now???? Grrrr!!!

Can we elope??? This thought has crossed our minds many times. It just seems so much easier and we will probably be much happier.

Sadness

A lot more sadness this month. A special friend receiving bad news sbout her health, and the unexpected passing of an old friend.


Like I said, a lot of things on my mind, many people I'm thinking about. I've been so out of it, I even forgot Aug 24 is R and I's 8th anniversary. Doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things i guess, but if it was any other year, I would have sent R. an e-card, and gone out for a nice dinner, sent him an appreciative e-mail.

Too many things on my mind. And yes, I keep things inside. And no, I doubt that's going to change.

I really need certain people to stop talking to me about house or wedding or anything else for that matter, because it just stresses me out. Please leave me alone for 1 week, if that is even possible, and let me do what I need to do.